The Work in Dying

"For the living know that they shall die, but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten." Ecclesiastes 9:5

There is a laborious process to dying, for the person who dies, as well as those left behind. The work in dying is a job for which few voluntarily apply; it is dirty, painful and without reward.  Nonetheless, every living thing is eventually called in for work.  There are books that describe the duties, stages outlined to assist those who are new on the job. I, however, am an experiential learner; books can only take me so far before I must simply jump in and deal with the work at hand. Such is the case in my grandfather's death.

We all knew his time was coming. My mother had been preparing me for 20 years. Every time I went to visit him, I stepped carefully, thinking This may be the last time I see him. That's what makes my memories so vivid; I was coloring them in even while he was alive. Still, his death hit me harder than I expected.  Most alarming is how the color is fading, time and tears washing out the brightness of his image.

My grandfather died on a Thursday morning. I received the phone call an hour before I was scheduled to work "job A " as a server in a Mexican restaurant. There was no way I could provide good customer service with a smile that night. I called my boss; "My grandpa died, I'm not gonna' make it in." I spent the night with a bottle of wine to depress my depression. For a week following his death my emotional response ranged from snot and slob sobbing to numb indifference. This, too, matched Grandpa’s personality, bi-polar mood swings was his normalcy.

The day after his death I was longing to be by a river. Fortunately, the Santa Fe is only a 15 minute drive from my apartment. My hibiscus had a new bloom; I picked it and took it with me to the river. I watched it drift in the shallows, wondering if it would be carried away into the slow and easy current or if it would simply get stuck in the slimy muck on the side bank. I imagined Grandpa’s afterlife the same way; was he lifted to heaven or is he arguing even now, cussing out the reaper at the gates of hell?  Rain started falling, so did my tears. I fell to my knees and let go.

I went to lunch afterwards, ordering a bowl of clam chowder cooked with bits of bacon.  I ate the meat in his honor, topping it off with two doses of rum and coke. The server, Christy, comped my meal; I must have looked truly pathetic. By five that evening, I was sufficiently cried out, eyes red and puffy, but went to work anyway. I was glad we were busy; it's hard to recall fond memories of dead relatives when filling up chips and salsa for table six, calling in sides of guac and sour cream for table three, and trying to remember if the woman at table four wanted sweet or unsweet tea. Saturday night was equally busy, though there was a raw moment when the grandchild in a large party walked up behind her grandfather and gave him a loving hug, just as I used to do with my Grandpa. I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked the mom what sort of dressing she wanted on her side salad.

Sunday morning I went to a lively church service but felt dead inside. The Holy Spirit tried to move me, but I didn't feel like feeling. Sunday evening I learned the memorial service would be the next Saturday. I panicked: I have to get there! I want to be a part of the service! I need to say good-bye! I went on-line to search ticket prices that started as high as $2,500 roundtrip for two - I was very insistent that my daughter come with me, for my own comfort and to share with her the significance of her great, great grandfather Franz.

I finally found two tickets for $1,400 - an amount that equaled my entire savings. My aunt offered to help, and I was sure my mother would pitch in, but money woes would surface eventually, something I am avidly trying to avoid, especially given the current recession.  But this was Grandpa, the man of my life. I called my bank to make the transfer. Strangely enough, I couldn't remember my pass code. I was forced to wait and call first thing Monday morning to finish the transaction. I called the airline to at least reserve the tickets. When I hung up, I felt a sense of peace; I was going home.   As I lie down to sleep, however, I was nudged by worry.  What if I need that money for an emergency? What if my hours are cut, how will I make rent? What if….. Financial insecurity is the surest way to attack faith.  I said a prayer requesting the Lord's guidance, as it was clear I was too emotionally attached to think clearly.

The next morning I performed the usual routine, got the preschooler ready, jumped in the car and prepared to leave for "job B" as a writing specialist at the college. The car stalled but started on the second attempt. That's when I saw the warning light reading "security." This advisory didn't make much sense for my car's functioning; I don't have a security system. I proceeded with my morning agenda with the spirit of anxiety sucking on the lining of my stomach.

After I dropped off my daughter, I immediately pulled into the nearest service station. I called into work after learning I would need a new battery, an oil change, and two new tires. "I'll be in tomorrow night," I promised, and would need to be - with one night's work loss from job A, and one day's work loss from job B, I didn't have the luxury of missing much more. Attending the memorial would take me out for a week. What was I thinking?

While waiting on my car, I realized God was working for me. If I'd purchased those tickets the night before, I wouldn't have been able to take care of my car or anything else that may come up in the months to come. All praise be to God, for He can see what is truly needed: security for the insecure, not a memorial for the mortal, a human attempt to fill in hues of what is now like a black and white photograph, absent the colorful life. Besides, Grandpa wouldn’t know whether I was there or not, "...the dead know not any thing." It's more important that I get to work and provide for the living. Grandpa would want it that way.

The next day I went to job B, helping students with their essays. I walked in a few minutes late.  There was a student waiting. I dumped my purse on the designated shelf, picked through the nametags, found mine and attached it to my shirt. As I sat down, I glanced at the student's assignment sheet: Compare and contrast two poems about death. "You've got to be kidding me," I said in defeat. The student looked up at me, questioning my response. I sighed my resignation, "It's been a long week."

I hadn't visited Grandpa at the cabin since my now four-year-old was just crawling.  I brought her home to accomplish a specific mission; baptize her feet in the river.  I took pictures, wrote my thoughts down in a journal, brought a few rocks home.  But how can I ensure she will appreciate the significance of that captured moment?  More importantly, how do I express who Grandpa was to me, to our family?  She’ll never know him as I did, for when I die “the memory of [him] is forgotten."  My only hope lies in a high and rocky place.

If one wants to know God, walk in His love.  I suppose the same can be applied to Grandpa. As the man and the place are one and the same, I will go home to walk in his presence.  My daughter and I will search for rocks shaped like hearts. We’ll take hikes high into the hills and listen as the mountains share their lessons, the kind Grandpa might teach: There are highs and lows on every trail; wear the right shoes, watch out for poison oak, and stay away from the edge.  I’ll cook whatever is growing, I may even add a bit of meat.  When night falls, I’ll tuck her in to sleep on the patio and together we’ll lose count of the stars.   In my prayers, I’ll give thanks for good food, good company, and a good place to enjoy both.  I'll miss you, Grandpa.

Dream

Where's the dream interpreter when you need one? Doesn't matter. I'll write it down. I'm writing within 15 minutes of having the dream; enough time to use the bathroom, make a pot of coffee and call to a friend I'll be at the church to help cook right after I write down my dream. I'm going to include my own interpretation or "hmmmmm....." thoughts in italics as they come up. First, a note to self: I know I was "gnashing my teeth" last night because my jaw (and teeth) are aching. This is not normal for me. It's only happened one other time that I can remember: in the weeks prior to and during "my time away" last September. It's been almost a year since that happened, right around my birthday. Birthday is coming up again, September 26th. Also, I am fasting, going for a day for every year of my life. On day six.

So now, here's the dream: I am with a lover, who resembles my ex-husband. We are "doin' the do" so to speak, enjoying ourselves all over the setting we are in which includes an outdoor area where he has seen fit to prepare a meal for me, but I'm fasting so I only pretend to eat. I remember asking at one point, "let's go out!" feeling quite mischievious, and wanting to frolick. He said no. (Odd. It must not have been my ex - he's always down for a teenage escapade. But who then? I don't remember feeling anything for this person, except the enjoyment of the flesh. I guess it wouldn't be right to describe him as a lover. Love? Just finished reading the Song of Solomon - which is the only book in the bible I've read so far with great resentment and contempt. Love? Ahhgh! Who needs it?! I got God. But that is another issue for another blog. It's mentioned here as conscious recall of how the dream might be related to seeing this person as my lover. Oh, I guess it's also important to note that I haven't "frolicked" physically since my ex was my husband, last December.)

We're back inside, he's in the kitchen (definitely not my ex-husband) and for whatever reason I'm on balcony? Has to be. If it's not balcony, it's an edge of some sort, otherwise it would seem as if I'm climbing the walls. (I've heard those phrases before"on the edge", "climbing the walls" - usually indicating frustration, anxiety, an eagerness for something to happen other than what is happening at the moment.) I'm standing on something high enough to look out the window. The blinds are open and I can see outside. There appears to be an active night life happening. I hear him tell me to shut the blinds as I am, apparently, naked. Next thing I know we're outside. There's a dark area with other people standing around next to a shack. I see a man pulling out with his car stereo blasting, hooting and hollering, grinning with gold teeth. Obviously he's had a good night. I tell my lover, "look - see what we've been missing?" We walk down a hill and into a food vending area. The vendors are packing up for the night. Some offer food but we are.....that is, I am carrying our own. But it's not food, it's an oversized briefcase, thin and not completely sealed. I can see some of the contents coming out. Utensils? We get to a washing area, the cafeteria kind where people drop off their dirty dishes in a rack and the dishwasher moves'em down to the next step in the assembly line.

Then my lover and I are separated as I walk into an enclosed space of some sort, about the size of a workplace cubby. There is water, a pool of it, I am trying to avoid. Suddenly I see a couple trying to negotiate the same problem. It's Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo! Or their likeness. So their presence makes this problem entertaining at least. I manage to leap over the water onto a ledge. I turn back to warn my lover to be careful, but then the ledge starts to separate from the landing. I can see the steel bars, the kind that hold to slabs of concrete together; my slab is separating from the other slab. I jump to the other side and now the scene changes.

I'm in the kitchen of my old church. There is much going on, preparation for something. (This is related to what I've planned to do today: help my friend cook for Rally Sunday.) My friend isn't there, although she's the one assigned to manage preparation. Suddenly, I feel something in my mouth. (This is a reoccurring theme, having something in my mouth. It's a vile sensation. It can't be spit out. I have to scrape it out of my mouth. And no matter how much I get out, there's always more to replace it as soon as I get a handful out. The best description of the unknown substance is this: it's similar to what you see a cat cough up. Thick, regurgitated mush. Note to self: needed to know how to spell regurgitate, got on-line and the first site to come up was wow.head.com, "world of warcraft" - though at first I thought it said world of witchcraft. Anyway, it's noteworthy to mention here that I heard a word from the Lord while praying a few weeks ago. I think so anyway. He'll correct me if I'm wrong. But I heard I was to be a soldier. Soldier? Me, who hates war and conflict? Seeks peace at all cost - even if the cost is compromise? Gulp.)

Back to cat mush. So I'm trying to find a towel to deposit my first round of yuck, discreetly so as not to raise concern with all the folks in the kitchen. I find the towel and as soon I get rid of it, another materializes in my mouth. I know how this works by now, so I quietly excuse myself. Then I'm on the phone listening to "OJ" (not Simpson) but a woman from my old church whose name is not OJ, but this is how she's chosen to identify herself in my dream. She's asking me where my friend is. I don't know, but I tell her I can't stay in the kitchen right now (I'm scraping gunk out of my mouth.) She says sh'se on her way, then her husband breaks into the conversation to add his two cents, but I can't remember what he said.

Finally, my friend shows up, she's brought her teenager and her teenager's friend, and a big black lab. The dog is all over the kitchen. I notice then that the busy work being done in the kitchen is clean up. Major clean-up, like pull out the cabinets and get the dirt behind the dirt kind of cleaning. My friend is flustered, the dog is everywhere and the people are getting annoyed with my friend for bringing the dog. I tell her daughter, "Hey why don't you and your friend take the dog for a walk." Problem solved. Except I still can't help out, because the gunk is still forming in my mouth.

I leave and walk my way to a pier? It's a hub of activity. There's a river. Across the river are logs, like a lumber yard of uncut wood. Large trunks stacked and waiting to go through the mill. I go to the edge (again with the edge) scraping hairballs out of my mouth into the water. People are looking at me. Then I see a car drive by into the water. But as it enters, these tracks appear, like railroad tracks. I think to myself. "I'm at the crossroads." The car makes it safely to the other side so I make the same attempt.

Suddenly I'm in this large, open room. There's a circle of figures in the shadows and light in the center of them. I see a ghastly figure coming towards me, it looks like the knarly, green wicked witch from a fantasy movie. I back away, but then think, "I'm only seeing it as the spirit inside me sees" convinced that I am possessed by an evil spirit. I continue to rationalize what I'm seeing. "Evil would see Christ as a horrible, ugly presence. So that must mean that this anorexic ogre is really The King." That last thought transforms the beast into light. I fall on my knees. All I see then is his feet and light around me. I'm crying, begging that He free me, make this evil spirit leave my body. He touches my shoulder. And He's telling me something. Of course, when I wake up, I have no idea what He said.

Same thing happened when I was younger, seven or eight years old, and had my first Jesus dream. He was standing on my toilet seat. All I saw was his outline within the light and his feet. He said something to me. To this day I can't remember what it was. I guess it's in my subconscious somewhere. If I need to know, it will be revealed at the right time. For now I'm left with ??????????

I've always been a dreamer. I have the most vivid dreams. Complete movies, in color, and with exquisite detail. I can breathe under water. I can fly. I've had dreams that come true the very next day, though not often enough to be of any help (or win the lottery.) And then there are the terror visions. Those are..... well, terrifying. It's my mind, I guess. The blessing, (or curse) of an active imagination is dreams that are as real, and sometimes way more interesting, than real life.

I read a book once. It was about this guy who lived two lives, both were equally real. One was his day - awake - life and the other his night - dream - life. The conflict of the story was that whatever happened in one affected the other. If he died in the dream world, he'd never wake up in real life. It brings to mind my #1 favorite movie of all time, Waking Life. There are so many chapters in this film that I love. Here's one, it's linked to another one of my fav's but it's to long to blog here. If what you like what you read below, click on it and take the time to digest another.

(Main character is walking along railroad tracks, beside a train. A guy jumps out of the train with a "Free Radio" t-shirt on)

"Hey.

Hey.

You a dreamer?

Yeah.

Haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming's dead, that no one does it anymore. It's not dead, it's just been forgotten. Removed from our language. No one teaches it so no one knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced. Ever. So whatever you do, don't be bored. This is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting."

"Well then," I say. "Let us begin."

Rocks and High Places

"He maketh my feet like hinds' feet, and setteth me upon my high places." Psalm 18:33

Should I ever retire as a traveling gypsy, there is only one place I wish to stake my tent.  It is here where I go to escape the furious world and my own flurried living.  It is my heart and so it is home, a space that offers a teaspoon dose of the healing peace we might find when we return to our true home.  It is called "Shindler's Bar," a name with double meaning, for the 24 hour in-home open bar, and the gravel bar, two city blocks of rocky shoreline that mark the Shindler haven along the Rogue River in Oregon.  

Shindler's Bar is more than a cabin high on a hill, constructed by hand, inch by inch, from third-story roof to the sawdust covered basement floor.  More rare than the landscaped labyrinth of trails and terraces, some shored up by walls of stone carted up from the gravel bar below.  To me this place is even more than family heritage. Purchased in 1941 by my great grandparents, it is securely locked into collective ownership under my grandfather’s legal authority.  It can never be sold unless every living descendant agrees.  There are six children, eleven grandchildren, and nine great-grandchildren.  Getting 26 kin from Shindler’s list to sell the bluff along the river would be like negotiating the Gaza strip.   It is sacred land with a history that stretches beyond its boundaries, carried wherever the children go.

What is unique about Shindler's Bar is its isolated location; like heaven, only some are willing and able to get there.  It requires a long drive and boat ride, or an hour's hike on the lower Rogue River trail, not easily found, nor listed on popular trail maps.  The logger’s road to get to the trailhead is winding, mostly gravel, and without signs to indicate direction.  The way to Grandpa’s cabin is a fairy tale path that follows the river, bridging over singing creeks.  One feels small and humble under the wings of the old-growth coastal rainforest; human significance is overwhelmed by deciduous tanoak that share existence with mighty cedar and Douglas fir trees. The weight of the woods is light and liberating. Any resistance I bring from the world is worn away with each step.  After two miles the trail divides, the left continues on to the village of Agnes, the right is the peak of the descending path that ends at the massive estate.   I always stop to stand at the height of the trodden walkway, my soul smiling in exaltation: my grandpa built this!

It is here that I discovered God’s supremacy, where I admitted while kayaking down the river, "It doesn't get any better than this.” Here, God is.  Seen in the diamond studded night sky viewed lying down on the highest porch of the house, surrounded by shadows of towering trees stationed like sentinels all the way up the mountain's height. God is felt in the steady pull of the river's current, heard in the crooning creek. Yet this setting is not so exceptional in and of itself.  What makes this home extraordinary is the person who lived here, my grandfather, now gone, passed March 26, 2009.

Anyone who ever encountered Franz Otto Shindler knew he was exceptional.  A Swiss German-English man, his character was complicated.  Yet, he was, by example, simple: eat good food, keep good company, live in a good place.  My uncles each have differing views about him.  The same is true for my aunts.  My mother revered him.  I idolized him.  He was more than grand, for me he was father.  When I told the father of my youngest he had passed, he expressed the truth succinctly: "Your first love."  Yes, he was; heart warming and heart breaking at the same time.  Grandpa was a drinker. Alcoholics and children don't mix.  The ugliness that can manifest, can and did reveal itself often enough to leave scars on his children.  I've heard the stories, but they could not alter my view of him.  With him I was safe and protected, welcome, loved.  

I could hear it in the way he would say my name as he was just sitting about.  I'd walk behind him, hug him, nuzzle my nose behind his ear.  He rarely smelled good, but even his funk was tolerable, sour but not old.   He'd sigh, "Well?" then say my name.  If he'd been drinking, he'd mumble something more but I'd only half listen to his words, focusing instead on his voice.  It resonated ease, like walking barefoot on the beach at the far end of the gravel bar.  The rocks there are more like rough sand, the heat of the day absorbed in the shells and stones.  That was his voice, and his voice spoke of the man; rough but warm, conflicted but comforting.  In this sense, Grandpa was very much the naturist, not just because he could often be seen walking around his house butt naked, but also because his personality was like his natural surroundings.  Being in Grandpa's presence was like a walk on the gravel bar on a hot summer day.

 

The bar itself is a quarter mile stretch of rocks that range in size, though none too large for the average man to carry without strain.  In the sweltering summer months, one can see the waves of heat rising from them.  As children, we used to speed race across the bar, hopping from stone to stone to avoid burning our tender feet.  I would often fantasize I had wings, leaping into flight as high as the eagles my uncle identified during his days as a riverboat guide.  The distance between the shaded, sandy trail that leads up to the cabin and the beach at the end of the bar takes about five minutes walking, three minutes leaping.  If you’re leaping, the sensation of soft gravel marks the beginning of the far end beach and the last steps before reaching river relief for scorched feet.  Once our feet cooled in the water we could lie down and relax, breath in the river's breeze, listen to the cry of the osprey. Searing to soothing best describes the time spent with Grandpa; like hot rocks, I learned to avoid his temperament and then enjoy his presence when he would cool down.  It was an exercise in making my “hinds' feet.”  To be agile in life and reach great heights, one must be deft in maneuvering through rough places.  At Shindler's Bar, the place and the person were the same.

The bar may look barren; to the casual observer it's just a pile of rocks. Only when you get down on your knees can you see otherwise.  I would lie on my belly, facing a pile of rocks collected on the walk to the beach.  I'd build rock houses, creating mini Flintstone villages.  Once I found a red rock shaped like a heart, not the Valentine version, but like the human heart, small enough to fit comfortably and hold in my hand.  Then there are the flat rocks, smooth and circular, perfect for skipping, a serious contest for those who have any skill.  My favorite beach activity is the art of constructing rock towers, balancing the flat stones with the sometimes perfectly round.  

It is the balancing act that Grandpa had trouble negotiating.  He was never able to master moderation.  This is what set him so far apart from others.  His passions were absolute, and whatever he believed, he did so from the heart and without regard for who it might offend.   He was an independent, true to the issue not the party.  He and I disagreed on most political and religious matters, but he listened to me because he cared about my beliefs, and I listened to him because I wanted to understand his way of thinking.   Though we never saw eye to eye on some issues (he was an avid hunter, I am a vegetarian, he loved the bagpipes, I prefer the Native American flute,) I never felt judged by him.   He accepted me unconditionally. That is a rare quality; it is the foundation of love, without it, the highest places can never be reached. 

Keeping company with the likes of Grandpa required the same approach needed to traverse the hike in to visit him:  be surefooted, level, and careful along cliff sides. Know about the topic before joining the conversation, remain levelheaded when it heats up, and take care when engaging in controversial issues like gun control or animal rights. Grandpa never bothered with political correctness or decorum.  His confrontational commentaries could make Gandhi go to war. He reveled in contention, more so if he’d been drinking.  He could turn a slight skirmish into a full-blown battle; mind-to-mind combat could last all night.  Unfortunately for those who were so miffed they had to leave his presence, the hike back from Grandpa’s is all uphill and takes twice as long as it does coming in, which may have been of benefit.  The return march might have worked out irked nerves or hurt feelings, a necessary therapy as one could not expect an apology; the river does not say sorry for flooding, nor does the bear ask the salmon for forgiveness.  It’s not in their nature, and Grandpa was as close to nature as a human can get.

Despite his irreverence for decency, Grandpa lived a modest life.  For over 20 years his lifestyle was eco-friendly. Long before the term self-sustaining became popular he was practicing what green lobbyists now preach.  His water came from a mountain stream.  He generated his own electricity; hydro and solar power, a single generator, and careful use of wattage insured he had enough energy to get through the day and into the evening.  Water was heated by fire, either from the fireplace or the wood burning stove.  He bought supplies in bulk, enough to last for months if necessary.  He grew his own produce and killed his own meat with his own weapons.  It was Grandpa who taught me to shoot using selected rifles from his antique gun collection.  His lessons started early and aptly apply to life: pick your target, take time to aim before you shoot, and “don’t shoot anything you’re not prepared to eat!”  This was his mother’s warning, given to him when he received his first gun.  He shot a seagull, she made him eat it.   Perhaps that is where he acquired his dietary habits.  His rule was to try anything at least once, and he insisted I do so as well, from octopus to cow tongue.  He is part of the reason I became a vegetarian.

Grandpa was the king of hospitality and great feasting.  He welcomed company and entertained graciously, granting free self-service access to the liquor cabinet and food pantry. Company meals were considered with care, cooked slowly, and always served with wine.  His kitchen, steeped in the smell of rosemary and elephant garlic, is the only space that has a skylight, making it the brightest and most welcome room in the house.  From the kitchen window is an open view of the garden, growing the herbs and vegetables he would often sauté with generous servings of real butter.  Near the garden he built a smokehouse to prepare fresh caught steelhead or any other meat my uncle might bring from one of his hunting trips.  He was an epicurean to be sure, from rosemary chicken to clam chowder, using secrets like fish sauce or sardines in his roux. But not all meals were so grandly planned. I remember one visit in particular; I was following him around his garden like a doting puppy.  He stopped along the eastside pathway to point out blue-black huckleberries.  His German sausage fingers picked a handful to give to me.  I was in my late 20s, but with this small gesture I was like a five year old given permission to eat cake before dinner. This was often the way Grandpa made me feel, as did my stays at the cabin. Surrounded by ripe beauty, I was forever young and cared for, privileged, free.

It takes a certain kind of man to live the way he did - off the grid, on his terms, committed to his home and land.  His wife Sonja, God bless her, is testimony that he was not as self-reliant as he might have seemed. While he bought the seeds, she tended their growing.  She was his right hand, day after day, night after night – often long and uproarious - for decades, until the very end.   I missed his last years; living on the opposite side of the country makes it more difficult to stop in for a visit.  I am told his last days were demanding and draining, but mostly disheartening.  I wanted to say good-bye before he left, but then my final memories would have been of him dying, his body suffering.  I was selfish in my need to hold onto the romance of this first love of mine.   I struggled with his death. 

To be continued...... 

What I Know

As Christians, our beliefs assume a few truths. There's the obvious - there is only one God and Jesus is His son - which is the foundation upon which our belief is built. Every other truth espoused by Christians is open to interpretation, denomination, and/or political agenda. Even the latter part of the obvious truth mentioned is arguable; was he God's son or God Himself?

I'm no theologian, nor do I claim to understand the truth about God. I got an A in my only religion class during high school but that hardly qualifies me to speak about truth, or God for that matter. All I can speak for is what's true for me, based on what I've experienced, and what I have learned from my walk with, or in some cases, without God. The bible backs me up on these truths, but I didn't come to them by reading the bible. I'm hardheaded. I had to learn by making mistakes - a lot of'em, many made more than once (I'm talking double digits here.) However acquired, these are the top three truths I've come to know.

1. God is with us every moment of every day. Whether I'm with Him is open to debate, but to avoid the argument I'll admit that I'm not with Him as often as I am. That 50/50 chance depends on my thoughts. Am I worrying about something? Not with God. Am I thanking Him for something? With God. And so it goes throughout the day, me trying to manage the thoughts that run through my brain like unsupervised sugar-loaded preschoolers. Out of control thinking is my greatest personal enemy - for their weight drops anchor into my heart, the place from which all actions speak. This is why Philippians 4:8 is my favorite verse:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Every moment of every day God is with me - every thought, word and deed are under constant surveillance. No pressure! Thank God for truth number two.

2. God loves us. Yes, even the pedophile, murderer, terrorist, junkie. He loves us in a way we couldn't possibly comprehend. I know I can't imagine the fullness of His love, but I pray that I increase and abound in it. I've grappled with this truth most of my life, hearing it brings me to tears every time. God loves me? Why? I've learned, however, the more important question to answer is this: Why am I not confident in His love for me? Insecurity? Low self-esteem? Whatever the reason, I doubt this truth. My doubt doesn't make it any less true, simply harder to accept. I'm working on that. John 3:16 is suppose to help. He loved the world so much he gave his only son. But that just compounds my awe. I'm a mother of two and I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of giving them up for anyone on this earth. Would I give them up for God? If God loves me, would He ask me to? This gets to the heart of the truth. If God loves us, why does he allow us to suffer so much pain? In my exerience, which ain't much, every time I got hurt I went running to God. From my own nature, I can only assume that pain is permitted as a means to bring us closer to God. Harsh, but it makes sense. He loves us, why wouldn't he want us close to Him? And if we have a tendency to be stubborn, selfish, non-believing children who must touch the burner to learn it's hot (uh, that would be me) then he'll turn it on high and walk away, leaving us with plenty of space to get burned. Whatever it takes for us to learn - I love you. You need me. Stay close so I can help you. Got it, God. Thanks for the lesson (um, can we turn the stove off now?)

3. God has a purpose for everything. And everyone for that matter. This is what holds my faith together, it's what gets me up every morning. Maybe today, I think, the Lord will reveal the purpose for this, that, or the other thing, person, situation, event. I long for that "Ah-hah" moment. That "Oh, now I get it" awakening. Because of this, my second favorite verse is Romans 8:28.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose."

I'm the annoying three-year-old who wants to know the "why" of everything. This verse gives me hope that one day, preferably before I die, I'll see that good. But if not, I've come to settle for just knowing there is a purpose. God knows what it is, which is good enough for me. This is not to say I prefer the bliss of ignorance. I thank God I'm still learning, but have embraced another truth: I will never know everything. Nor do I want to, for who wants to know everything there is to know about God? A God that is so knowable wouldn't seem like much of a God. Mystery is what makes Him, well, God. As the on-going journey is to the arrived destination, it is in the seeking - not the finding - that we come to know God. So if there's a truth I'm missing here, I don't mind. I do know that if God wants me to know it, there's nothing to keep me from knowing - He is, after all, God. What He wants, He gets.

Now, the next truth I'm considering is what God wants. I have a pretty good idea - me, to love Him, and to love everybody else as He loves me - but that's just too simple. I need to travel to a few more foreign countries, climb a mountaintop or two before I'm convicted of that truth. Who am I kidding? I know it's true; the hard part is not the knowing, it's the doing!